Between Two Worlds: What Belonging Means for Expats

Psychological counseling for expats – compassionate, understanding, and respectful. Charlotte Lill, Cologne

The first months in a new country are often full to the brim: finding an apartment, navigating paperwork, learning the language, building the whole practical scaffolding of a new life. At some point, most of that is behind you. Daily life settles into a rhythm — and that's often when a new feeling surfaces among many expats: something is missing. Something that was simply there at home: familiarity with how things work, with the language, with a known environment, and with people you trust.

It isn't a problem that announces itself on any particular day. It's more of a feeling that creeps in once the busyness of arriving has worn off. You speak the new language well by now. You may have a job, friends, a routine — and still notice that something is missing. Maybe not even the old home itself, which perhaps wouldn't be quite the same anymore if you returned to it. But not entirely the new one, either.

Why This Feeling Is So Hard to Pin Down

Belonging isn't a matter of paperwork, language fluency, or years lived somewhere. You can be fluent, professionally settled, and socially connected — and still not feel entirely at home. Just as easily, a single conversation, a familiar place, a small gesture can make you feel, for a moment, entirely at home.

This makes the feeling hard for others to understand, and just as hard to put into words yourself. I have everything I could want — so why this quiet unease? Many expats begin to wonder if something is wrong with them, for not simply feeling grateful and settled in the life they've built.

Standing Between Two Worlds Is Not a Deficit

I believe this is often where the thinking goes astray: the feeling of not fully belonging gets treated often as a shortfall — something to be corrected, ideally through more adapting, better language skills, more effort to fit in.

Perhaps it is something else entirely: a transition, in which you are still finding your own particular way of belonging — one that doesn't have to be tied to a single place, and doesn't need to be filled by one place alone. Some people end up carrying both worlds within them, without ever needing or wanting to choose between them. Not as a compromise, but as an enrichment, and a genuinely mature way of being in the world.

What Often Helps

I know from my own experience abroad that what's usually missing isn't information or good intentions. Anyone who has lived in another country knows, quite precisely, what it means to start over. What's often missing is a space where this in-between place is simply allowed to exist — without needing to explain or justify it.

Sometimes that looks like a conversation that brings clarity to what's actually weighing on you. Sometimes it helps to take a step back and ask: what would arriving actually feel like, regardless of where you happen to live right now? That question, more often than not, leads somewhere further than the search for the "right" home ever does.

A Brief Word of Orientation

• You've felt caught between two worlds for a while, without quite knowing why? This is a common feeling among expats — it doesn´t have to mean anything about you.

• You sense that everything should fit, and can't quite work out why it doesn't? Often, one clarifying conversation is enough to understand what's actually missing.

• You're looking for support in your native language?  Speaking your own language can make some of these conversations easier, especially when feelings are involved. I offer counseling in German, my native language — English is available on request.

• You simply want someone to listen, without rushing to judgment? I'm glad to be that person — in person, online, or on a walk.

  
  

A sense of belonging cannot be forced, but it can be found. If this is where you find yourself, feel free to reach out — no pressure, no commitment.